There is a visitor coming to my home very soon. Probably, just minutes away right now as I’m typing this. The last time we had met was years ago. We’re supposed to be distant family or something on my dad’s side. I, usually, most of the times do not like when people just show up to my house on a short notice. And if I have to meet them, then, I just lose it. But, I put on my poker face and pretend that I am SO glad to meet them. And that is followed by me forcing myself to be as polite as possible and asking if they’d like tea, coffee or whatever..
Today, though, that’s not going to happen. The once-in-a-blue-moon visitor is going to get a surprise or a shock or whatever he chooses to express… I am going to stay in my room, lock the doors, and pretend that I didn’t hear the door bell ring. I mean my parents are going to invite him in anyways, but, I’m going to be myself this time. To hell with being nice to people who don’t deserve it!
Relatives (some friends included too), in my case, warm up to me only when they need to get something accomplished. I know it’s not the case in everybody’s home, but, here, in this place, where I am, that is all it is. Relatives with benefits or whatever you want to call them..
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing with the visitor. But, the point here is- I don’t want to fake how I feel anymore. The biggest mistake that I’ve made in the past is pretending. Pretending to agree with someone when I didn’t, pretending to like someone when I didn’t, pretending to be friends with people when I didn’t really care about them, pretending to be okay when I clearly wasn’t doing fine at all. I have pretended for so long just to satisfy the people around me, and after a while it get’s tiring.
And that is when I go berserk and scribble away my thoughts in whatever surface I can find!
Sometimes I have a feeling that I might be going crazy. Because, lately, everything involving ‘life’ has been very difficult to deal with. Maybe because I’ve been pretending all the time. Although, the visitor who is coming today may be coming to my home with good intentions, but, whatever it may be, I have a habit of ‘labeling’ people into ‘can trust’ and ‘cannot trust’. Now, the way I see it, I may be dealing with another issue altogether other than me pretending all the time.
What’s it called when you can’t trust people easily? I had to google it to find out and this is what came up- ‘skeptic’, ‘cynic’ and ‘paranoid’. I guess I must fall into one of these categories. So, I’ve learnt that if I want to be true to myself, I’ve got to stop pretending and stop being paranoid at the same time.
Well, in the end, I don’t really have an answer to what really needs to be done when it comes to determining the right thing to do when faced with certain circumstances. But, the visitor is here. And I’ve made my decision. I’m staying inside my room. But, the right thing to do would be to put that poker face on and not be paranoid!
That makes me think if I have a problem being bold and facing people visiting my home? What am I even talking about now.. Everything has gone off topic. What lies beneath is evident. I’m an amoeba. x_x