“I have always given something away in order to get something for myself. But, things get twisted when I decide to give away my conscience…”
The other day I was preparing the usual dinner and ruminating at the same time. I always end up doing that sub-consciously. When the day is coming to a close, I cannot help but replay the entire day in my head. I don’t know how many of them do the same thing at the end of the day. Sometimes it feels good to be alive and well but, some other times I feel like everything up to that point in time has been one giant mistake that I cannot change. It is when I feel the latter that I start going backwards- playing events from my life from months or even years ago and the deeper I go, the feeling of being trapped in my own decisions and choices starts suffocating me.
It’s funny how memory works. I have read people say online that memories from years ago may be difficult to recollect and to produce the events as it happened may be impossible, and often people tend to alter their stories as time goes by. Personally, I’ve never been able to recall the darkest memories from my past. And that may be for the best. Because some of them that I do remember are sinister enough to turn me into something that I do not want to be- a person bloating with vengeance and regret.
Not long ago something happened to me. It is easy to get overwhelmed when everything plays out just like you imagined it would. It was clear as day that I wasn’t supposed to do it, but I did it anyways. When you go against your own conscience, against your own values so that you can please others then something down the road, something in the future has already changed and possibly turned against you. I have seen it happen in my own life. But, I also believe that there is always a way out. When every choice you make leads you to a dead end, it makes you think. There is no ‘easy’ way but there is a chance for everyone who believe in themselves.
What lies further down the road, only time can tell. But, what lies beneath the choices we make today can have an effect on how the future unfolds.
“My past makes my present taste bitter but, hopefully, my present will make my future taste sweeter.”